I have to admit it has been far too long since I have posted here. This is going to be a more personal post than the previous posts.

I am currently in my senior year at college, so that's been busy, but I've also been working on a side journey that few have been involved or aware of. In May I celebrated the one year anniversary of the sentencing of my father, for those that don't know he received a sentence of 805 for a combination of charges involving rapes, incests, etc. that were committed against myself. Upon and since this anniversary I've had to admit somethings to myself, while I am relieved of this I do admit he is still my father and I have dealt with a lot of emotions involving the guilt of "putting him away" to relief that he won't do it t another child to anger (which is something I am not used to feeling) to sadness and empathy towards myself, my family and his family. So it goes without much saying, I've been all over the map with my emotions lately. I had previously been avoiding therapy, mainly due to the denial that I needed it, but have now been seeing an amazing therapist for roughly the last 4 months or so. As much as I have convinced myself of how healed and strong I am, I have had to admit to myself that, while I have come a very long way since the beginning of my journey, I am not completely healed and still have a lot to work on. This has been both depressing to have to admit and eye-opening at just how much abuse does change and effect a person and their life, no matter how much you try to deny or ignore it those effects. My flashbacks have decreased significantly and I feel more functional than ever before (and hell, I will be graduating this coming March, so I can't be doing too horribly I guess), but I still have a very long way to go and now that I have begun to admit this I am hoping to further work on and hopefully one day be free from the struggles I still have.

Putting myself out there some, because I think it's only fair. I am not the "fully healed survivor" that so many believe I am. During my high school and into my college years I struggled with eating disorders, self-injury and depression, and some of these have still been an ongoing struggle for me. I haven't injured myself in some time, but as any "addiction" it's something I do think of on occasion. I am still struggling with a miscarriage I had at the age of 15, something that I so amply denied prior to court and something that I really don't tell or talk to many about. Not a day goes by that I do not think of the abuse, the court process, my struggles now, or where I want to be after I am able to heal a little more. My point in putting this out there some may wonder....because there are so many people in this world that go through similar things, that have similar struggles and that struggle on a daily basis, and I think it's only fair that I admit not only to myself but to those looking for the support that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Being a survivor doesn't mean you have to be completely healed or completely whole. I hope one day I will go an entire day without thinking of what happened. I hope that some day I will wake up in another life where I can speak of my childhood in the good context of the positive memories I have. Today is not that day and tomorrow won't be either, but for the moment I am happy with where I am, how far I have come and I have hope for how much further I can go. This may always be a battle, but it's one that so far has been WORTH fighting and I could not be more content with how things have come about to this point. I think that's something that most people don't understand, those that have not been through a major struggle in life, each small accomplishment seems like a major step and in the end sometimes all we have to hold onto is hope, but sometimes that's all that's needed to get you through to the next day.

Since it had been so long since I posted I thought it was only fair I put myself out there and really let you all know what goes on behind this side of the computer screen. I am still speaking out, I have two "gigs" in November that I am looking forward to, and I still am here as a support and guidance for those who want/need it, but I also want you to know that I am also 100% human and still have my struggles and barriers. We will get there together!

PLEASE if you need/want support or advice or even just a listening ear feel free to email me at Speakingout2endsilence@gmail.com. If you are more comfortable speaking over the phone or skype for some reason, shoot me an email saying "I'd prefer to speak via...." and I'd be more than happy to provide you with that information! I have fixed previous issues with the email and now am able to respond typically within 24 to 48 hours.

Thank you all for continuing to be a support and keeping up the awareness!
Yours Truly,
Libby <3

I've been knee deep in school work and planning, and have to apologize for not posting something here earlier. 

Yesterday I attended a conference for prosecutors, and shared my case (along with my team who worked the case), as a case study. I am more and more in awe of what an impact my story can have. Living through it each day, I've become...immune? I guess, to the affect it can have or the fact that it is not the "norm". Anyway, this conference was a special one for me, mainly because of the people that were there with me and the affect that I know first hand the prosecutors who heard my story can make on another victim's life. The healing did not come with the conviction. Am I glad that he's in jail and unable to hurt another child? Sure. Do I feel safer with him being locked away currently? Yes. However, that is not what has helped me transform into a survivor and advocate. The truth is the three woman that sat next to me in court (or fought for my case in front of the judge) made the difference. Not because they are super heroes, but because they allowed me to see them as human, and they treated me like a human. I know that sounds funny, but you'd be amazed how many people see you as a "broken" or "damaged" person, but to them I was not this. To them I was "Libby"...did I have problems of which they were aware of? Of course I did, as I too am human, but they accepted me, supported me, encouraged me, and showed me I was WORTH something. That's where the true difference came in. 

It is extraordinary to look at the person I was 6 years ago when the case was first came to light, two years ago when it was reopened, and now, just one year after the case has ended. I am not the same person. I recently saw a therapist, yes I avoided them for some time as well, but I promise you, if you find the RIGHT one for you (there can be good therapists, but the right therapist is hard to find, but worth the process!). Well, I spoke with a therapist recently and we spoke of how I will never be the child I was born into the world as, the child that existed before the abuse happened, that child is gone, that person is gone. It reminds me of the quote that has sat with me, originally from Oprah but sent to me by the detective that worked me case..."he killed the person you could have been"...and how true that is! I am a different person, but I can have the life I want to live none the less. I have CHOSEN to be an advocate, and boy has that opened a new world to me. Now that the conference has ended, I'm scheduled to speak someone at the school about how their department can participate in advocating and awareness, and then next week I am suppose to speak to a class on campus. I have had so many people tell me how brave and courageous I am for speaking out and how so many don't think that they could do it. The truth is, it's not bravery or courage. I at one point did pass out when public speaking (seriously, I had a high school teacher that was afraid to call on me in class because of the shade of pale I'd turn, haha!)....speaking out for me is not about courage but determination, and a touch of resentment even. My question is Why shouldn't I speak out? Cancer survivors, Car accident survivors-especially those affected by drunk driving,  natural disaster survivors all speak out....so why shouldn't sexual assault/abuse survivors speak out? 

Project Unbreakable, where survivors write down quotes of which their abusers said to them and take pictures with them, is yet another example of the large community of survivors that, if given the chance, do want to have an outlet to advocate, to gain support, to gain closure...this subject needs to be talked about more in order to end that stigma associated with sexual violence, to end the silence victims are suppressed by, and to let people know they are NOT alone. Speaking out how shown me what a beautiful and supportive community we can have, and I would argue that victims deserve to have that support in their community. Before this turns into a novel, I want to thank you all for reading this because you are part of that amazing community that I've seen glances of, and I encourage you each to continue that role of advocating. 

<3 Libby